elf training

dear readers, i got myself a job for the christmas season as an elf at macy's santaland, herald square. why? well, aside from the obvious money panic that so many people are going through right now, i figured it would actually be kind of funny and an overall interesting experience. at least that's what i thought until sunday when, in training, we spent 4 hours role playing. usher elf, santa elf, photo elf, gatekeeper elf....we made our way through all the different positions until we were familiar with our responsibilities. then we switched and were told to play the parts of the surly parents, unruly children, shy children etc. do you know how embarrassing it is to be 31 years old and have to pretend to be a 7 year old girl sitting on santa's lap? uh, yeah. not to mention just outright creepy. so, everyone else saw the lameness of this scenario right? right? no dice. all the other elves were super into their parts and ACTING to the extreme. unbearable cheer. elaborate stories of what they do at the north pole the other 364 days, what the reindeer like to eat. it was excruciating.

this kind of behavior is totally against my constitution. i hated walking down the aisle on my wedding day because everyone was staring at me. i don't go to see plays because i'm embarrassed for all the over-actors. i don't know what made me want this job...probably watching will ferrell in 'elf' one too many times and hoping that i too would get a cute elfin outfit like zooey deschanel. if only. we get ugly smocks and scrub-like pants.

nevertheless, this may be my lot for the next month, so by all means, come visit me. but remember, in santaland there is no patty. there is only peppermint the elf.